


my heart says hurt myself

by gh0sthunt



Series: two hopeless teens [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Eating Disorders, Inspired by Music, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Unresolved Conflict, mostly platonic except towards the end, please be aware of the tags, the romance is kinda one-sided, this is pretty graphic so don’t read if any of those things may trigger you, you’ll miss it if you’re not paying attention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-10 10:56:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14735652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gh0sthunt/pseuds/gh0sthunt
Summary: Josh’s home life isn’t so great, and it’s really taking a toll on him.





	my heart says hurt myself

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this as a vent with some OCs but figured it worked as a fic also. this is hardly proofread, but i did skim it a few times to make sure all the names were changed.
> 
> title from TOEWGMO by McCafferty

"Watch me get yelled at again," Josh mumbled with a sigh. He checked the time. It was still two hours before his curfew but he had a bad feeling about coming home. 

"Let me know you're okay once you're inside." Tyler's eyes were filled with concern.

Josh nodded and stepped out of the car. The headlights lit his way through the dark garage, disappearing once Tyler began to back out as he opened the door.

His dogs began their high-pitched yapping immediately. He tried to shush them, but they continued even when they saw that it wasn't a stranger.

His mother came into the room, and he knew from the look on her face that this would go downhill fast.

"Where were you?" she demanded.

"Tyler's house," Josh answered.

Only half of it was a lie. He had been with Tyler, but they were at another friend's house in the middle of nowhere. He was afraid that his mom would have tried to text him when he didn't have cell service, but the messages never came, so he guessed that she didn't care. Clearly he was wrong. 

"Why did you leave without telling me?"

"I didn't," he defended, trying to keep his voice level. "I told you I was leaving with him."

"When?"

"Before I walked out. You looked right at me and responded."

"Well I don't remember that," she stated skeptically.

Josh held in his frustrated groan, settling for chewing on his lip instead.

"Why do you do this to me?"

"What?" he asked, confused.

"You always mouth off to your grandmother and upset her, then leave without telling anyone. I'm starting to think Tyler is a bad influence on you."

"I did tell you, though, and this is only the first time!" He winced at the raise in his voice. His heart pounded with anxiety. He wanted to run, retreat to his room, but his feet remained rooted in place. This would only be worse if he walked away.

Behind his mom, his grandmother entered. "You're going to be the reason I leave," she said, venom in her words, "and your mama needs me here. You're a financial strain. So you better fix your attitude before I knock it out of you, even in front of your friends."

Josh felt sick. His gaze dropped to the floor.

"Hug her, and tell her you're sorry and you love her," his mom said. "You really hurt her feelings earlier."

"'m sorry," Josh said, voice barely above a whisper. It was in no way sincere. He didn't even understand what he did wrong. 

His mom had began to turn her back, but turned her head when he spoke. "What was that?"

"He said it. I heard," his grandmother spoke up.

Josh forced himself to move, hugging the elderly woman and mumbling an, "I love you." His skin crawled. 

As soon as they let him go, he hurried to his room. Josh rolled into his bed, retreating under the safety of blankets without bothering to turn a light on.

He listened as they walked around the house. Their footsteps soon stopped as they went to bed. That was when he broke down.

He curled up in bed beneath the blankets, body shaking and breathing uneven as he choked on his sobs. Josh had been like that for at least a half hour. 

_You're horrible. Everyone just thinks you're a burden. No one would care if you just killed yourself right now,_ his mind screamed at him. _Burden. Burden. Burden._

He'd had enough of it, and he knew just how to stop it. He threw the blankets off himself, sitting upright. For a moment, he lingered at the edge of the bed. He hadn't relied on this in some time. Did he really want to break his clean streak?

Another sob had him gasping for air, the vicious voice in his head only growing louder. It was then that he knew he was sure he wanted to do this. He'd do anything to just make this stop. His throat hurt, his nose was stuffy, and he was just so goddamn tired of feeling like this.

Josh stood on shaky legs and toed around the mess that was his room until he reached his desk. He opened up the beneath it, pulling out a small, velvety bag. 

It was no bigger than the palm of his hand. He remembers it used to hold jewlery. Now, as he opened it up, silvery blades glinted back at him in the dimly lit room. One was from a crafting knife, the other an industrial type one that came in a pack from the hardware store. He went for the industrial one. It was sharper.

His trembling hands fumbled with it for a moment as he moved to sit back down on the bed. There, he pulled his pajama pants off, revealing pale thighs that were marked with past incidents.

With a deep breath, Josh blinked the tears from his eyes, pulled the flesh taught, and dug the blade in as far as he could manage. He drug it slowly, his movements more careful and controlled than they had been all day.

Another deep cut and a handful of shallow ones later, and his crying had stopped. His breathing was measured again. His hands weren't quite steady, but he felt the sick sense of euphoria once again.

He stood, gathering his discarded pants, and moved quietly down the dark hallway to his bathroom.

He flicked the lightswitch as he pulled the door to a quiet close behind him, the bright light making him blink quickly in an effort to adjust his eyes.

Once he was no longer blinded, Josh began to clean himself up. It gave him something else to focus on, a methodic way to wind down so he could soon sleep.

That was the plan, anyways, until he realized the blood wouldn't stop. His breath hitched with panic.

_You went too deep. What if you need stitches? What if you need to go to the hospital? What if they get infected?_

He swore under his breath. Grabbing a wad of toilet paper, he moved quickly back into his room to grab his phone.

His hands were beginning to tremble once again, making it near impossible to hold the device.

 _jishwa_  
2:56 A.M.  
will, i'm sorty  
i hurt myselg ahain  
it's bad thsi time

He hoped the texts were comprehendable. He knew there were typos, but his vision was blurring with tears again as he cursed himself. This was not how he had planned it to go. He was supposed to be in control, and now he just felt like even more of a fuck-up.

He put pressure on his left thigh, praying that this was just a small problem that he was blowing out of proportion, that he wouldn't _actually_ need to go to the hospital. His family would be pissed if they had another bill because of him.

Josh's phone buzzed with a call, startling him. He reached for it and answered without even bothering to look at the contact name.

"I'm coming over," Tyler stated before Josh had a chance to get a word in. There was shuffling on his end and a metallic jingle.

"N-No, you don't have to," Josh answered quickly. "I'm fine. Everything's fine."

"You're a terrible liar," Tyler muttered with a sigh. "Just stay on the line with me, okay?" Nathan could hear him getting into his car. 

"You shouldn't have to fix my fuck-ups."

“Josh, I know what you're thinking, and no, you're not a burden. Yes, it is four in the morning and I was asleep, but you're more important than that, so please just leave your window open and I'll be there soon."

Josh breathed out a shaky, "Okay." Tyler’s tone left no room for argument. He stood, peeling away the toilet paper that was now sticky with blood. Wedging the phone between his ear and shoulder, he moved to unlock the window and open it just a crack. "It's open," he announced. 

"Okay, good," Tyler mumbled. "I'll be there in five minutes."

Josh sniffled, but didn't respond. It was most likely obvious to Tyler that he had been crying.

Tyler didn't ask anything more of him, so they simply sat in silence until Josh could hear Tyler's car quietly rolling into the driveway.

"I'm here," he announced before ending the call. 

Tyler was soon climbing in through the window.

Josh looked up at him, eyes wide and terrified. "It won't stop bleeding. Why won't it stop bleeding?"

Tyler glanced down at Josh’s thighs and sucked in a sharp breath. "I'm gonna turn a light on, okay?"

Josh made a disapproving noise, but didn't protest further.

In the light, the cuts looked much worse. They were angry red and the deeper ones were still seeping blood at a slow, steady rate.

"Josh..."

Josh’s heart dropped to his stomach. He looked away. _He's disappointed. He's angry. He's upset. You fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up._ He sucked in a deep breath, unable to hold back the tears that were spilling over again.

"I'm sorry. I-I tried to stay clean. I made it over a month, but then my family and-" Josh rambled until Tyler interrupted him.

"Hey, hey, I'm not mad," Tyler said softly. He gently swiped his thumbs across Josh’s cheeks to brush away the tears. "I could never be mad at you for this. I know how much you struggle, and recovery is no easy path."

Josh simply nodded, keeping his gaze down. 

"I brought the first aid kit from my house," he said, pulling the small white box from his jacket pocket. "These are bad, though, Josh. I can only do so much if you need stitches."

"I can't go to the hospital. They'll put me on suicide watch or something. It's not bad enough for that anyways." Josh chewed his lip anxiously. "Just do what you can. They'll still heal without stitches."

Tyler looked at him skeptically before sighing. He opened up the box and kneeled in front of Josh. Pulling out some gauze, he put pressure on both of the deep cuts.

Neither of them spoke, only Josh’s shaky breathing filled the silence. 

As he began to calm to just sniffles, Tyler asked, "Do you want to talk or would that make it worse?"

Josh wiped his cheeks with the heels of his hands, wishing he had a sweatshirt on. He felt too exposed. "They said I'm a 'financial strain,' which basically translates to me being a waste of space and a burden on them."

Tyler's jaw clenched. "That's ridiculous."

Josh shrugged. He'd be lying if he said he didn't believe it. 

"You haven't eaten since lunch, have you?" He lifted up the gauze. The bleeding had stopped, so he began cleaning the cuts. 

"No," he admitted quietly, letting out a soft hiss of pain. Tyler had tried to get him to eat before he took him home, but Josh insisted that he wasn't hungry, so Tyler didn't force it.

"Eat breakfast tomorrow. Please?"

"Okay," Josh relented easily. He could see the concern etched into Tyler's features, and he wanted nothing more than to wipe that away.

"I'd take you from here if I could," Tyler said, voice nearly a whisper.

"I know," Josh replied, equally as quiet.

They lapsed into silence until Tyler announced that he was finished. He found Josh's pajama pants on the floor and handed them to him.

"Could you turn off the light?" he requested as he slipped his bottoms back on.

Tyler nodded and flicked the switch. "You should try to sleep. It's getting late."

Josh let out a sigh and slid into bed without protest. "I'm exhausted."

Tyler sat on the edge of the bed next to him, looking like he wanted to ask something, but not having the nerve.

"What is it?" Josh asked, reading his expression easily even if it was too dark to see clearly. 

"Do you mind if I stay a while? I need to know that you're okay. You kind of scared me tonight," his admission was soft and he looked away from Josh. "I'll be gone before morning so you won't get in trouble."

Josh appeared to weigh his options a moment before he nodded. He pulled the blanket aside and made room for Tyler.

Tyler kicked off his shoes and jeans before settling in beside Josh. It wasn't unusual for them to share a bed, so when Tyler asked, "Big spoon or little spoon?" Josh's response came easily.

"Little spoon." He rolled over so his back faced Tyler, feeling an arm snake around his waist and pull him close.

With the comfort of being in Tyler's arms and the exhaustion of a breakdown, Josh soon drifted off to sleep so fast that he didn't hear Tyler's soft, "I love you," nor did he feel the kiss placed on his temple.

As promised, when morning came and sunlight streaming into the bedroom woke Josh, Tyler was nowhere to be found. The bed felt too big, too cold, too empty without the other.

A sad sigh left Josh as he forced himself out of bed to face the day.


End file.
